Can’t believe I’m asking a Pokémon forum for advice on break ups but I guess this is where I’m at. My first girlfriend, whom I dated for 9 months, broke up with me tonight. This is a girl that I loved so dearly and eventually wanted to ask for her hand in marriage. A girl that made me feel like I was floating on air. A girl that I would give my all too. I know I’m probably one of the last people on here who has had to deal with this sort of thing so give me tips please. What makes this healing process better? How do I stay friends with her while she dates other guys? What can I do to move on? I know this is a weird question to ask the forum but I could really use any help I can get…
Time is the one true healer of things, the more time you put between today and the future the easier it becomes. The first breakup is always the worst. Dont force a friendship is my advice, sometimes it is just best to move on your own path. Chin up!
Nothing you can do to feel better sadly, only time. I broke up with my only girldfiend of 11 years like 8 months ago. She was all to me and I was devastated, still am honestly. She never dated someone else so I thing I do have a comeback chance that’s why I keep in contact with her and that’s the ONLY reason I would do so. If she is dating another person I don’t recommend you at all to be friends with her. Only maybe in some years when all you feel right now passed away. If it’s really over, I suggest you just to do your everyday life, and eventually you will be open again for new people. You think she is the only one in the world but sadly she is not. A lot of persons can be the love of your life, keep an open mind. And yes I did propose to her and she said yes, but we never married. Hope this helped.
Basically what @way2slowbro said. Take a look at what went well between you two and what didn’t and use those lessons to improve your future relationships as well as to grow yourself as a person. Not to generalize your situation or make assumptions but if she’s your first girlfriend, I’m guessing you’re pretty young. I’ve seen a lot of young guys marry the first girl they claim to love and it very rarely works out. There’s (probably) a lot of life ahead of you and plenty of time to develop other relationships with other girls who you will eventually grow to love even more because of your experience. I understand that the first breakup is the worst but time will give you perspective, trust me
Ah much as it sucks right now, time does heal it. As for advise on what to do. Dive more into things you want to do, hobbies you might not have spent as much time doing before when you were together. Even better if it’s a hobby that involves meeting new people with a sense of community. It can be a great distraction getting into something new which also creates new friendships and a sense of belonging. The best thing to do is just look after yourself and do what you want to do.
EDIT: Also your first break up can quite often be or feel the worst. You’ve never got through it before and so you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. As weird as it sounds I think it’s good for people to experience it.
Recently (last year) broke up with with my first relationship which lasted 6 years. Here’s some advice:
Avoid contact with her if possible, or minimize it. Otherwise you get “relapse feelings” which makes the transition worse.
Remove reminders of her (photos, objects) from your every day field of view or online, for the same reason
Avoid any casual/serious dating for 4-5 months to give you time to mourn and process your experience.
Do meet up with friends and talk about your feelings, but beware of opportunists
Write gratitude letters for her, but only you will ever read them. This helps put into words all the positive experiences, and move feelings from the pure “emotional” side of your brain to the more “analytical” side.
Take the time to develop your own hobbies that you couldn’t develop as much before, and to enjoy spending time alone doing whatever you want without having to consider anyone else’s feelings or time.
Question: How do I stay friends with her while she dates other guys?
Answer: You don’t. You move on.
Question: What can I do to move on?Answer: Meet other people that aren’t her, so you can forget about it.
I can’t add much here except to recommend trying meditation. Now, before everybody calls me a dirty hippie just hear me out. Part of practicing mediation is learning to rise above and dismiss distracting thoughts to clear your mind. I’ve found this ridiculously helpful when dealing with thoughts about exes, breakups, etc. and really wish I had known about it earlier in life. For me personally, the hardest part of breakups is the completely out of nowhere reminders of that person that hit you like a bus. The meditation helps with that a LOT and lets you focus on the present moment and what’s happening now so you can move on.
My favorite mediation practice app is Headspace and it even has sessions based on how you’re feeling or what you’re going through which last anywhere from 2 minutes to 30 minutes.
Women don’t want men who do things because of them, they want men that have their own goals and ambitions. I’m not saying you don’t have any, just that you can’t conform your sense of self for other people and expect others to respect you for it.
Other women, Friends, Alcohol. In that order.
Don’t
Don’t be friends with the woman you clearly still have feelings for, self help books, other women, friends, alchohol. In that order.
5 serious relationships and 2 marriages before I found the love of my life. I totally don’t regret any of them. I think each one played a part in how happy I am today:)
Like others have mentioned, time heals everything.
I try to practice stoicism in my life, which helps me a lot with the hobby and FOMO, and it also applies to a lot of others aspects of my life. What I understand from it is that we cant control bad / negative emotions arising. As long as we don’t sulk in these negative emotions, the best we can do is to dismiss them as soon as we are able. We can’t control things that happen to us, but we can control how we react to them, and how we deal with them and experience them.
The great stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius says:
“No one can lose either the past or the future - how could anyone be deprived of what he does not possess? … It is only the present moment of which either stands to be deprived: and if this is all he has, he cannot lose what he does not have.”
On a positive note: As bad as this experience is, you are going to be able to live through this, improve and at the end of everything you will be better because of it. It is a difficult learning experience and you are being given a great chance to become a better person because of it.
Like everyone else has said time is the biggest healer. I think the other thing is with your first relationship is it is very easy to put that person on a pedestal and think they are the only person for you in this world and no one could every replace them. But there are over 7 Billion people on the planet, there has to be more than one match for you Also after time has passed and the dust has settled you most likely will realise they were not the person for you anyway. And from personal experience I think it is very difficult to remain friends so I wouldn’t try and force this, if it comes naturally its fine but if not I would just let it be.
Took me a couple of years to get over my first girlfriend. We had originally been high school sweethearts and she broke up with me a couple of years into college. When you’re living through it, it feels like you’ll never get over it. One thing that made it longer for me to get over it is that we continued to be close friends. I strongly recommend not doing this.
Now of course I hardly ever think about her, and when I do it’s just fond memories.
Time + other women will take care of the problem for you.
Also after time has passed and the dust has settled you most likely will realise they were not the person for you anyway. And from personal experience I think it is very difficult to remain friends so I wouldn’t try and force this, if it comes naturally its fine but if not I would just let it be.